JOKES

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
Clappity-BUMP. ..Clappity-BUMP. ..Clappity-BUMP. .. on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,The coffin stops.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay
you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives, and now Sam is dying. Moe visits him every day. "Sam," says Moe one day, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives." Sam nods. "Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, you've got to let me know if baseball is played there."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend all these years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." Shortly after that, Sam breathes his last. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe, terrified and clutching the blankets. "Moe, it's me, Sam.""Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?" Moe sits up, feeling much better. "I'm in Heaven," says Sam, "I've got some good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first." "The good news is that there is baseball in Heaven," says Sam, "All of our old buddies are here. We're all young men again. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is wonderful, Sam! But... what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday."