this says it all

JOKES

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
Clappity-BUMP. ..Clappity-BUMP. ..Clappity-BUMP. .. on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,The coffin stops.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay
you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives, and now Sam is dying. Moe visits him every day. "Sam," says Moe one day, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives." Sam nods. "Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, you've got to let me know if baseball is played there."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend all these years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." Shortly after that, Sam breathes his last. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe, terrified and clutching the blankets. "Moe, it's me, Sam.""Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?" Moe sits up, feeling much better. "I'm in Heaven," says Sam, "I've got some good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first." "The good news is that there is baseball in Heaven," says Sam, "All of our old buddies are here. We're all young men again. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is wonderful, Sam! But... what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday."

Wanna see what my nasty neighbor gets to see.

I wanted to be nice to my nasty neighbor

Go take a hike kid.

A man came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike."Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"

"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.

"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you really get the cash from?"

"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"

Wow what a game

Winter Poem

The best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while.....try to memorize this prose by December.....
" WINTER "

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre















"DAMN, It's Cold"

2 city workers

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today".

GET THEM WHILE THE'RE HOT!!

One day while passing a nursing home, I noticed six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Did you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

The Parrot said.

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. They walk up to the bar and the Parrot orders a Strawberry Daiquiri. The bartender is amazed and says "Wow! That's pretty cool, where'd you find him?" And the parrot replies "In Africa! They're everywhere!"

Random thoughts

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off ? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

The Drunk Woman

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. They
Stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, so instead
Of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home. The cops loaded
Her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got in the back
Seat with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they
Kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she
Stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate." They drove awhile
Longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked
His arm: "You're Passionate." The officers were getting a little
Upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have
Driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us
Where you live." The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you,
"You're Passin' It!"

Things That Can Drive You Insane:

· The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.

· There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the
tray.

· You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little Plastic thingie in the middle of them.

· The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

· The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

· There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

· You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

· There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!! (and you can't get a clean shot at it)

· You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

· Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the
mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

· You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a
cigarette.

· You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

· Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to
get a reading.

· A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the
radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

· You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.

· The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

· A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with
your filling.

· You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7
Am.

· You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to
get out.

· Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

· You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

· You have to inform five different sales people in the same
store that you're just browsing.

NOTHING TO WEAR, BEND OVER!!

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get ostumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there aid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get m e something else I can wear. The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for? "The wife yells back," Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!

Watch who you pizz off

The New Salesman

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35."

She: "How much for the black one?"

He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."

She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "$35."

She: "How much for the white one?"

He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."

She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."

She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

Remember these guys?

I wish I was the old guy

Hey you wanna get out of your 'Honey Do' list?

Just Stupid things people do

Tickle me till I .....

Lisa and Rose decided to rob a bank together.

Lisa plans the robbery and goes over the plan with Rose, in great detail.The robbery begins.Lisa drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Rose, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?""Perfectly," said Rose.Rose goes in the bank while Lisa waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass and Lisa is really stressing out.Finally, the bank doors burst open!And here comes Rose. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.About the time she gets the safe in the back of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.As the girls are getting away, Lisa says "I thought you understood the plan!"Rose said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!""No, you idiot," said Lisa. "I said tie up the guard and blow the safe!"

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

*There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses!

*The results were pretty interesting:

*1. 85% of women think their ass is too big..

*2. 10% of women think their ass is too little...

*3. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.